Relationships

Why do we struggle so much with relationships?

Everything is connected, but more than ever we feel disconnected. We live in an illusion of separateness and so often we find ourselves in pursuit of external fulfillment. But without first taking care of our inner work, addressing the center of our pain, the pursuit of happiness in relationships is simply perpetual pursuit.

So how do we end the perpetual pursuit and find the fulfillment of extraordinary relationships?

We begin with ourselves, the inner work that is too easily ignored. We learn how to face ourselves with honesty and compassion. We stop making excuses to avoid the things that are troubling us within. When we relax, the struggle ends.

Beauty, but how do we do that?

With wisdom — knowledge applied. The universe is here to support all our needs and desires, but it does so only by invitation. Gratitude is the invitation, ingratitude is a rejection of the gift.

We have all the elements essential to live life well and with awareness we are able to use them well and wisely.

So, let’s start with awareness then …

Jenna McCarthy’s TED talk
What you don’t know about marriage
Posted Feb 2012

In this funny, casual talk from TEDx, writer Jenna McCarthy shares surprising research on how marriages (especially happy marriages) really work. One tip: Do not try to win an Oscar for best actress.

Jenna McCarthy

Writer

Jenna McCarthy writes about relationships, marriage and parenting.

Why you should listen

Jenna McCarthy is the author of If It Was Easy They’d Call the Whole Damn Thing a Honeymoon: Living With and Loving the TV-Addicted, Sex-Obsessed, Not-So-Handy Man You Married. Her past books include The Parent Trip: From High Heels and Parties to Highchairs and Potties and Cheers to the New Mom/Cheers to the New Dad, as well as the upcoming companion books Big Rigs for Moms and Tea Parties for Dads.

What others say

“If Chelsea Handler and Dr. Phil had a love child, it would be Jenna McCarthy.”
— Celia Rivenbark

Transcript Excerpt:

0:11 Every year in the United States alone, 2,077,000 couples make a legal and spiritual decision to spend the rest of their lives together … (Laughter) and not to have sex with anyone else, ever. He buys a ring, she buys a dress. They go shopping for all sorts of things. She takes him to Arthur Murray for ballroom dancing lessons. And the big day comes. And they’ll stand before God and family and some guy her dad once did business with, and they’ll vow that nothing, not abject poverty, not life-threatening illness, not complete and utter misery will ever put the tiniest damper on their eternal love and devotion.

1:07 (Laughter)

1:09 These optimistic young bastards promise to honor and cherish each other through hot flashes and mid-life crises and a cumulative 50-lb. weight gain, until that far-off day when one of them is finally able to rest in peace. You know, because they can’t hear the snoring anymore. And then they’ll get stupid drunk and smash cake in each others’ faces and do the “Macarena,” and we’ll be there showering them with towels and toasters and drinking their free booze and throwing birdseed at them every single time — even though we know, statistically, half of them will be divorced within a decade.

1:54 (Laughter)

1:57 Of course, the other half won’t, right? They’ll keep forgetting anniversaries and arguing about where to spend holidays and debating which way the toilet paper should come off of the roll. And some of them will even still be enjoying each others’ company when neither of them can chew solid food anymore.

2:20 And researchers want to know why. I mean, look, it doesn’t take a double-blind, placebo-controlled study to figure out what makes a marriage not work. Disrespect, boredom, too much time on Facebook, having sex with other people. But you can have the exact opposite of all of those things — respect, excitement, a broken Internet connection, mind-numbing monogamy — and the thing still can go to hell in a hand basket. So what’s going on when it doesn’t? What do the folks who make it all the way to side-by-side burial plots have in common? What are they doing right? What can we learn from them? And if you’re still happily sleeping solo, why should you stop what you’re doing and make it your life’s work to find that one special person that you can annoy for the rest of your life?